growth | Manda's Wonderland

I’ve sat on this post for several days, as I wasn’t sure how to put these specific feelings into written words. I think I have it now. So, let’s proceed.

I’d like to begin this personal dive into my soul with an analogy:

Imagine that you were a human being who was created for the sole purpose of doing math. (This would be highly unfortunate for me, as anyone who knows me personally can tell you that math is the bane of my existence.) As soon as you were old enough, you would start learning math at a very basic level. It was wonderful and you knew that this was a good thing. You enjoyed doing it. It gave you a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Now, let’s say that as the years progress, you are not given any opportunity to do more advanced math, but instead, have to continue to do basic math.- no multiplication, no division, no algebra, no calculus. You, my friend, are sticking with 2+2=4. Imagine that you are now a third grader, still doing first grade math. Now, some more time passes, and you are a 7th grader, still doing first grade math. Keep on advancing through time with me- now, you’re a senior in high school, and still doing first grade math. I would imagine that it would be difficult to keep up your attention and focus, as now this math is no longer a learning and growing experience, but instead, has become a monotonous, mundane task at the very least and not much of anything to look forward to. Yes, you can do it and you can do it successfully, but you have spent YEARS in the infancy stage of your learning and not really had any knowledge, growth, or progress. Your purpose of being a math expert will never be fulfilled as long as you are stuck in first grade math.

Our spirituality and walk with the Lord is much the same as this math example. When we become a Christian, we are given the give of the Holy Spirit. We possess within us at that time, everything we need to grow in wisdom and in knowledge of God. All Christians start off with a basic understanding of heavenly and spiritual things. We understood enough to know that we needed to pray and invite the Lord into our lives. We are “first grade Christians” at this point. It feels good. It gives us a sense of purpose and fulfillment. We start off with baby steps. We are human beings who were created for the sole purpose of worshipping Christ and leading others to a saving grace knowledge of Him. But here’s where it gets dicy… some people are comfortable digging their heels in at this point and staying in this “first grade” level of Christianity. Does it mean they aren’t Christians? No. But does it mean that they are short-changing themselves of the opportunity to grow their faith and knowledge of God, and to have a relationship with Him that is unlike anything that they could ever even imagine?… YES, absolutely!

One of the areas that I’ve most witnessed this need of some people to sit in basic level spirituality is when it comes to worship. There are so many different types of worship. Additionally, there are so many instances I’ve heard people telling me that some forms of worship make them uncomfortable, or make them question the authenticity of it. I have recently read online a movement of groups of “Christian” people trying to attack what they consider the “modern day mega church” and condemning the band-style music, the lights, and the stage sets. I would offer a sincere warning to each of us- we, the Church (the unified body of Christ, NOT a building and four walls) should be much more concerned with the message as opposed to the delivery. If we are truly worshipping God, it shouldn’t be about us anyway, right? I have seen God move in miraculous ways through a solo singer strumming a guitar in praise and worship, and also seen the same miraculous movement in a 5,000 member church whose praise and worship time felt like a concert. God can be in all of it. He is all present. There is no “one correct way” to worship. Truthfully speaking, it’s very arrogant of any of us to think that “our way” is the only right way and all others are wrong. Shew….. watch out for that judgment. Dangerous stuff there. Ironically, some of these same people who find hand raising during worship or speaking out in church as off-putting and offensive would have no problem painting their faces and screaming their guts out on the home field of their favorite teams. Or, going to a rock concert and singing lyrics at the top of their lungs along with their favorite singers. Our worship of Christ is about Him, not us. The Holy Spirit, if we are paying attention to it, will let you know if Jesus is present in that room and if what you are experiencing is of Him. This is a skill you can actually hone in your growth as a Christian. It’s a vital tool God gives to each of us. That discernment can be used in all areas of life- decisions, your family, daily situations, etc.

Anyway, some people find that what they are doing in their Christian life, the same thing they’ve been doing for years, is what is comfortable for them, and they have no desire for true growth or advancement in their knowledge of God. They like what they have. They like what their church does, and that’s good enough for them. There’s an old expression that says, “You can’t miss what you never had.” There’s a lot of truth in that. If you’ve never experienced an honest, soul-moving, Heaven-splitting, earth-silencing, wind-blowing, insides-trembling movement of God, then I guess it would be impossible to miss it. But, oh, how I wish each of my Christian brothers and sisters could taste this miracle on this side of Heaven just once, because I promise you that you’ve experienced it, it is next to impossible to settle for less. This brings me to an embarrassing confession and then to Easter Sunday…

I’ve struggled the last several months with church. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve struggled the last few years with church. I’ve probably attended no less than 7 churches in our community during my 30 years here, but have yet to really plant roots in any of them. Please don’t get me wrong, Jesus does definitely go to these churches. I think you understand what I mean when I say that, but in case someone doesn’t- I want to go to church where JESUS is going to church. I want to leave that building having my spirit fed and growing closer to Him. In my opinion, if you are attending a church which is “dead” and it’s more out of habit or to simply be able to say, “I went to church today”, I think you’re better off staying in bed. There’s a verse in Revelation 3:16 that says, “So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot or cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.” I don’t want to be at a lukewarm church. I don’t want to be at a cold church. I want my church 100% hot and nothing less.

I’ve had tastes of those hot churches throughout my lifetime. My sister and I were very fortunate that throughout our formative years our parents exposed us to a variety of denominations and a variety of different types of worship. We’ve been to huge conference centers in Tulsa, OK, and heard James Robison and John Wimber preach. We’ve be to an AMAZING black church in Washington, D.C., that introduced me to a completely uninhibited form of worship that I’d never seen before. This congregation was on fire and the music was intoxicating for a 14-year-old girl from AR to witness. Their voices were loud and angelic and there was clapping and dancing. My spirit definitely sat up and took notice. We’ve been to baptisms at a city pool, and small groups held in people’s living rooms while we sang along to “Pass it On” being played on an acoustic guitar. We’ve experienced hands raised to God in praise and seen deliverance services. We’ve witnessed people anointed with oil and hands being laid on them for healing. There is a VAST WORLD of worship out there. It goes far beyond what even some churches are comfortable with preaching and demonstrating today. Just reading some of these things may cause some of you to raise an eyebrow, but again, worship is about Christ, not about your comfort level. If you have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, it will “jive” inside you if the situation is of God or for show. I’ve experienced some of those, as well.

I’ve been struggling through some personal issues since the end of last year. Maybe it has been shame. Maybe it has been depression… but whatever it is, it most definitely is the devil at work trying to keep me out of church. I’ve had sweet pastors and congregation members reach out to me during this time, but I just couldn’t do it. It was nothing against them or their churches, but I just couldn’t. Of the last three church services that I attended, two were filled with excessive talk of covid (hello, fear) and the other was obviously an open-mike night for anyone who had a comment because they liked to hear themselves talk. Again, this is where that gift of the Holy Spirit comes in. Your spirit will tell you if what is happening is of God, or if it’s of man. I was in pain. I was emotionally hurting, and I just didn’t have anymore time to waste on what was “of man”. I needed Jesus, badly.

This last Sunday was Easter. My sister and brother-in-law have recently moved to Maryville- about 2 hours away. They invited my family to come to church with them for the Easter service and to spend time in fellowship afterwards. Their church is Faith Promise and is nestled right in the middle of a strip mall. It is a satellite church, which has locations in many places, and the pastor (who is in person at the main church campus) is projected onto a screen and shares the message. When we walked in, I found it funny that they had ear plugs available at the door for anyone who needed them. I knew this would be interesting. The service starts, it is warm and inviting. The worship team goes up on their stage and begins to sing. It wasn’t 5 minutes into the music that my tears just start flowing. My heart was pounding so fast. It took 5 minutes for me to realize that not only did Jesus go to church here, but He was welcoming me back home, and was so glad I was there. This is it- this is THE MISSING I’ve been experiencing. My soul has missed this. I know the Holy Spirit comes upon people in a number of ways, but for me, it has always been like a gentle wind. I can physically feel Him blowing over me. It’s as if my soul breaks open in the most wonderful way, a curtain is torn, and I’m in the very presence of His Throne Room. Once you have that experience, you can’t miss it anytime it happens again. This is what my soul craves. I wept, practically uncontrollably, for quite a while. I was happy to be in His presence and angry at myself for depriving my body, mind, and spirit from having THIS. This is what I want. This is what I need. All of this other garbage- the stress, the worry, the relationships, the finances, the illnesses… it’s all a vapor. When the day comes that I die, those things won’t matter anymore. My relationship with Christ is what matters.

The entire experience was an amazing time of worship and spiritual healing. I needed this so badly. I was so thankful that my son got to be there and experience what church is supposed to be like. I knew several things were certain when I left that day- first, I won’t continue to deprive my soul of the fellowship it so longs for with the Lord. Second, I won’t settle for a lukewarm or cold church. I know there is no such thing as a perfect church. That’s not even what I’m looking for. I want to be at the church where Jesus goes and where He is worshipped unapologetically. Third, if it means traveling to get to such a location, then so be it. Life is short. No more excuses.

I said earlier that you can’t miss what you never had. Well, I’ve had it, and I miss it. I know about the deeper parts of worship and I want that. I don’t want to settle for mediocre. Nothing cold or lukewarm. I owe it to the Lord to give Him 100% of myself in worship to Him. Think about what all He gave for each of us.

I’d encourage anyone reading this who has a relationship with Christ… take a good look at your soul. Are you feeding it? Have you experienced the other-level worship of Jesus that’s out there, or are you digging your heels in, content with the basics? There’s a whole world of experiences Jesus has for us. We have to be willing to trust Him and have faith. Pay attention and listen to the Holy Spirit. He will speak to you. We simply need to ask and listen. God wants us to grow in our relationship with Him. He never intended for us to set up camp in the introductory phase of Christianity. Don’t be afraid- grow in Him.

Be blessed, friends.

When I drive down Main Street in this beautiful and horrible little town in which I live, I always, regardless of my mood, take a moment to think on something good each time I see three trees.

It was 2004, the year my son Elijah was born, and Ava had just turned one. We lived at the time in a sweet, small, white house that sat about 25 feet back from Main Street. Now that I had a new baby whose nursery windows opened to the road, the street lights at night were glaringly annoying. I thought that if we planted trees out front they would grow and create a barrier from some of the street noise and the radiant light. My dad was in fantastic health then, and I told him I’d like him to help me plant some trees.

My dad went with me to select my trees. I’d always loved a weeping cherry. They are so beautiful. Something about any type of “weeping” tree has always stirred up a sense of beauty and serenity inside me. I picked a white dogwood tree and finally a birch tree. I remember vividly my father and I standing in the yard on a warm day and digging the holes to place the surprise trees into. I attempted, rather feebly, to assist with the hole digging, but truth be told it was my dad who did all the hard labor. When all was finished we stood back and admired the results of our labor (mainly his). I loved those trees. I nurtured those trees. I watered them, often times with 2 babies hanging off me as I maneuvered the hose. I mowed around them. I pruned them back. I took great pride in watching them grow. Years later, when we moved from our little house it took all I had within me to keep from digging up my trees and taking them with me.

I’m just realizing as I write this that it’s been 10 years exactly since their planting. Much has changed in that time. My babies, who were one of the main reasons for the trees, are growing daily and continue to be the greatest pride of my life. My father is no longer here. I probably drive up and down Main Street a minimum of 4-6 times a day. Each time my head turns to that yard of the white house and I see how big and lush those trees have become. I can still picture us standing in the yard in the warmth that summer. My sweet daddy…

Some days are good and others not so much. Regardless of the state of the world or of MY world, anytime I see the three trees I’m reminded of a brief, shining moment in time when life was good. It was happy. It was productive and fruitful. If the new owner ever decides to leave that house and I see a for sale sign go up in the yard, I can’t guarantee that I will be able to keep myself from going and reclaiming those trees. I wouldn’t truly risk moving them, but the idea of having the happiness of the three trees in my own front yard today is very tempting.