Rebalancing

I wanted to title this blog “unbalanced”, but I could already hear rumblings of the smarty-pants comments that would no doubt light up my wall if I had.  I’ve been hoping to blog for days, but have found myself in such a funk that I just didn’t think I could muster the strength to do it.  Then I realized, if blogging is practically therapy for me why not blog about the tough stuff as well?  The fact is we are all just human.  We all have good and bad times.  Well, my friends, I’m in a bad time.  Details aren’t really important.  This has become an issue of mood.  The easiest way I know to put it is this- when you are a person who tends to be loud and silly and can spout off witty comments when necessary, people don’t really know what to do with you when you find yourself in a bad (or sad) mood.  I tend to be the friend that some come to for advice or support or a listening ear.  So what happens when I need to take off the hat of “counselor” and lie flat-backed on a couch?  Bless my friend’s hearts.  They have listened to me tell them for weeks that “I’m fine”, but you know what?  I’m not…. and I’m giving myself permission not to be…. for just a little while.  I try my best everyday to be a person who is positive and trusting and hopeful, but today (and for the next little bit) I’m allowing myself to be sad, to cry… to just sink.

It comes as no surprise that life doesn’t always pan out just as we plan it.  That’s pretty much the name of the game.  I find that there are times when I put all of my eggs in one basket- inadvertant eggs and inadvertant basket, for whatever that’s worth.  That’s a risky thing to do.  With risk comes the very definite possibility of failure or let down.  Some gambles pay off while others may not.  Then there are situations which hit you out of nowhere and leave you smashed flat on the ground like emotional roadkill.  Surely some of you can relate to those situations which leave you scratching your head and asking, “What in the world just happened?”  It’s not a fun place to find yourself.  A place, though, I’ve visited all too often.  The kicker is sometimes I travel there because of foolish mistakes and other times I seem to be pulled in by a gravitational force beyond my control.  Life happens.  Something else happens too.  It’s true.  It just does.

Any of you who know me personally surely know by now that I can’t write a blog which is left open-ended, hopeless, and helpless.  I do have hope… still, regardless of what others may say or try to convince themselves is true or untrue.  I am secure enough in myself right now, though, to stop trying to fight and figure out and rationalize.  I am going to allow myself to grieve.  I am going to eat way too many carbs.  I am going to sleep late and not put on makeup when I don’t want to.  I’m going to allow the tears to come and not force them away.  I think I need them.  Then, after I’ve given myself a chance to feel what I’m trying not to feel, I will dust myself off (as I always have) and put a smile on my face (as I always will) and I will move forward.  So, for the next little bit, although I may not be “fine” I will be in a state of rebalancing.  I will be finding my footing while traveling through these obstacles which try to knock me down.  I am thankful that I have a God Who travels this road with me.  I truly don’t know how people go it alone.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pat Lenzini
    Jul 22, 2010 @ 22:47:56

    Dear Amanda, Go ahead and have that sad day, you are due for one as we all are at different times in ones life. You are feeling what most witty people feel ever so often and I know from my own experince it feels good to get it out of your system so you can be your happy every day self. You are tired and empty you need a spirtual boast, so have a good cry and talk with your best friend YESHUA(JESUS). Then look around and count your blessings even in the midst of what you are going through, you will be able to smile again. Love You sweet Amanda

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    • mandaclair
      Jul 23, 2010 @ 07:45:24

      Pat, this is so sweet and words much needed to be heard. Thank you. I appreciate your willingness to share encouragment. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful example of Christ in us. Love to you.

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  2. Joline
    Jul 23, 2010 @ 16:35:33

    So sorry to hear you are down. I know from experience that it is these times, given to us on purpose, that allow us to look UP. If you need anything (especially EMPTY CARBS!!!) let me know! I will be happy to meet you somewhere with sugar & caffeine and allow you to cry & vent!

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