I’ll Watch the Snow With You

My mom and I had a discussion about my father today.  

For those of you who do not know, my father has a condition called “corticobasal degeneration”.  It is, in a nutshell, similar to Alzheimer’s and is every bit as cruel and heartbreaking.  It is neurological and irreversible.  Two words I have grown to hate in the last year.  

We began to notice that something was not right with my father about 3 years ago when he began walking almost as if in slow motion and would stand with his arms drawn up into his sides.  As time progressed, we noticed that he was having trouble remembering little things.  Fast forward to the present… 

Today my father doesn’t always know who we are.  He is confused much of the time and the most painful part for us as his family is the feeling of complete and utter helplessness just having to sit by and watch this happen to someone you so dearly love.  My father is not in any sort of physical pain and for that I will be eternally thankful.  He is, unfortunately, keenly aware that something is not right with him and I know it frightens him.  

Some days dad doesn’t know where he lives and some days he can’t recognize who we are.  The first day I witnessed this happen at his house was just a few months ago.  My dad couldn’t name one of Jessica’s children and in that tiny instant I felt like the whole world fell apart.  We try as hard as we can not to let him see us cry, although it isn’t always possible.  I can’t speak for Jessica or my mom, but I try to save my sadness for the privacy of my car or my home.  We want dad to know that we are all okay and that we are always going to be here for him.  We’ve told him this many, many times.  I’ve often thought about how terrifying it must be to have your memory slowly leave you.  Years and years of family trips, experiences, life- just trickle out little by little.  I can’t really let myself think about it for too long because the feelings are just too overwhelming. 

My mom told me today that she saw my dad standing in the hallway looking through the glass pane of their front door.  She said that he turned and looked up the stairs and shouted out, “Amanda, come down here!  Look, it’s snowing!”  My mom said, “I’m sure he thought you were a little girl and still lived at home with us.”  I don’t know where my dad was at that moment in his own mind, but I want to make a promise to him.  This is the best way I know to express it: 

 

 

I’ll watch the snow with you, dad 

No matter where you are. 

I know sometimes inside your mind 

It feels you’ve traveled far. 

I’ll watch the snow with you, dad 

However you see me- 

A woman grown with children now 

Or pig-tailed girl of three. 

I’ll watch the snow with you, dad 

And if you forget my name, 

Please don’t feel sad or think I’m mad 

I love you just the same. 

I’ll watch the snow with you, dad 

Wherever you may be. 

I’ll watch the snow with you, dad 

I’m just glad you’re here with me.